Thursday, May 6, 2010

We have a Janice

Disclaimer: I am already not proud of this post. It makes me sound mean and judgey. But, in my defense…I’m pregnant…and when something annoys me – it seems to be amplified by 100 times. So…allow me this rant.
Also - for those of you that have never watched the show Friends…this post won’t mean much to you.

For that – my apologies.

Chad and I have a Janice. One that I fear we will have until we move. Allow me to explain. A few months ago – a girl joined the baby gym that I bring Carter to. And about two days later…I switched classes. I don’t typically get annoyed with people that quickly…but she was THAT ANNOYING. Plus, Carter was old enough to bump him up to the next class (at least that’s what I told everyone).

Well, it wasn’t that easy to shake her (or the memory of her voice ... and sheer volume).

Chad would bring Carter to open gym at his baby gym in the evenings and would come home and talk about this girl that seemed to know Carter and I. And I kept asking, “what does she look like, what’s her name, what’s her daughters name?” And none of his answers seemed to fit any of my mommy/nanny/caregiver friends from my previous class…so I chalked it up as pregnancy brain and thought I had forgotten about one of the nice people in class. NOPE. It was our Janice.

Our Janice has one of those raspy (coulda-chain-smoked-for-the-last-50-years) voices…and when I say she’s not quiet…I mean...the girl is so freaking loud that you could probably hear her right now if you opened a window near you (no matter where you live in the country…or out of the country for that matter).

And to make matters worse…her dad is on the board of our home owners association (I know this because she spews off her entire life story to ANYONE that will listen (read: anyone she traps)). Who recalls my run-ins with the home owners association?

And our Janice is everywhere. I feel like I may find her in my bathroom one night during one of my midnight emergency prego pee trips.

And to make matters even worse yet – she is one of those “has to look like she knows everyone” people.

So when she appeared in my new baby gym class the other day…I was livid. Why won’t our Janice go away? I switched classes again and said it was because Carter was old enough for the next level class again. Is this the rest of my life in Strongsville – bumping Carter up grades as fast as I can so that I can avoid our Janice? Oh gosh, am I that self-centered?

I have to avoid her though (at least while pregnant and hormonal). Because she says idiotic things that make me want to explode. Here are (just) two (recent) examples:

1.) In the middle of the last baby gym class that she and I were both in – she said to me (very loudly), “I see your husband everywhere – we’re like always at the park together, we like see each other at open gym, it’s so funny how we’re always seeing each other.” And I just glared at her wanting to scream, “you saw my husband at the park once…and open gym twice – stop announcing it like you two just bought charm bracelet charms with each others names on it.”

2.) She (and her pregnant friend) had a mini-intervention (they scolded me in front of a ton of people) with me at the baby gym because I bounce on toys with Carter. And this is (in their heads) a bad thing to do when pregnant. Yup…I play on toys with my son. I’m a terrible mother.

And that is the story of our Janice. I see her (and run from her) at grocery stores, she goes to the same baby gym, she hangs out at the same parks, her dad is one of the aholes on our home owners association board….ohh…and she drives a hummer (in the words of Chandler, “could she be more obnoxious?”)

Note: I don't have a picture for this post (because posting her picture would be wrong and unethical...although slightly funny). Instead, enjoy this very random and completely unrelated picture of Carter eating his first Oreo.


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